Why Bikinis May or May Not Be The Work of the Devil

My usual beach fare (plus, the ONLY time I flaunt it like a champ)…

* Fashion Review Fest of the Week:

I hate bikinis. For as long as I can remember, I have never been one of those “bikini” girls, whether I was spending the better half of my childhood in a swimming pool in Florida or having 0% body fat as a 14 year old ballerina. It doesn’t matter what size, shape or amount of cellulite cream that’s been slathered, I simply don’t think bikinis are comfortable. I mean really: who wants chase a toddler around the beach wearing a 1 inch piece of slippery fabric? Who wants to relax in the sun wearing nothing more than a glorified bra and panties? Honestly, I’d rather wear my actual neglige (assuming I had any) than a bathing-suit itself, because I’m yet to find a bikini that flatters anyone other than Jessica Alba. Frankly, exaggerated dental floss wrapped around my hips is never going to be cute.

Never the less, despite my overwhelming adoration for the “itty bitty teeny” (and more overwrought sarcasm than Happy Endings), the majority of mainstream stores have another idea. In fact, before we moms can even process the damage that egg nog and Vitamin D deprivation has done to our bodies over the winter, we find ourselves in a face off with every bikini and tankini this side of the equator. And I don’t want to be an “ini-ist”, but what ever happened to a good old fashioned one piece? You know, the kind that keeps any and all body parts that could possibly be nicknamed as “muffin” tucked safely away, and let us feel like Marilyn Monroe on the sand (except with less bleach and prescriptions). So if you need inspiration before the snow settles, check out my top picks for womens designer swimwear that’s actually made for women…

If You Don’t Want A One-Piece Your Granny Would Wear:

* Phax Plunge: Nothing gets more figure friendly than this baby. She (who, much like a boat, deserves gender specific respect) is perfect for highlighting the lean parts- legs and decolletage – while keeping your midsection under wraps. But warning… it’s pretty saucy!

* Max Rio Floral: If you want a pop of color and don’t mind showing a bit of skin, this suit is super sexy because of it’s low back. Plus, it’s crazy flattering due to the perfect combination of layered patterns. Bring on the optical illusion!

* Phax Square Cut: Wish you had a tiny waist? This choice highlights your bustline (or in my case, lack thereof), thus making your stomach area look as deceptively under-fed as Kirsten Dunst. Of course, you can still enjoy a sangria or two.

* Sound Off: Which one piece would YOU choose?

Makeover Momma™ occasionally receives cosmetic products for review, with no obligation to positively promote or cover said brand. Receiving products has absolutely no influence over our recommendation of any particular product.

Posted in 2008 - 2011, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , ,

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