My life runs on batteries.
Itâ€™s funny how something so small and seemingly harmless, can be so cataclysmic to the perfectly practiced, continually tested and flawlessly perfected routine that is the motherhood schedule. How can one little battery impact my life so much, you ask?
Case in point: this morning. After waking up in the early morning hours with the same repetitive fluidity that could only be witnessed in a scene from Groundhog Day, I fix my morning cup of coffee (ok, the first of five morning cups of coffee), reach for the remote (the one that works the TV, and not the many others for the VCR, CDâ€™s, DVDâ€™s or volume), and go to turn it on. As a busy mom, the two beautiful minutes that I share with Diane Sawyer in the morning (discussing bits of digestible news, long lost children reunited with their father, and the best toe nail polish for summer), is surely the highlight of my day. Like the calm before a storm, I am able to process the oncoming chaos that is my life in the best way possible (wearing pajamas and drinking most of my caloric intake via dessert flavored creamer).
Needless to say, as I realized that the remote was no longer working, doom seemed inevitable. Instead of panicking at the onset of pattering little feet over-head, I decide to make an executive decision and steal batteries from a machine that seems slightly less necessary. (Admittedly, the baby monitor is important… but is it really equivalent to â€œmommy timeâ€ with morning TV?)
And since the baby celebrated her first birthday at the beginning of the week, she deemed this the ideal moment to unleash a new, adorable and much more mature skill (such as breaking plates within an arms reach or realizing Drano cocktails are readily available under the sink). Despite the fact that all of my childrenâ€™s precious moments usually require a mad dash for the nearest camera (and/or cell phone for another visit with our favorite paramedics), there was no need on this particular day…because all of the batteries were dead. Itâ€™s around this point that a small piece of my soul stopped working as well (because Iâ€™m pretty sure it runs on batteries too).
If there is one thing that motherâ€™s hate admitting, itâ€™s that most of our life is controlled by a tiny piece of zinc and carbon that has more â€œAâ€™sâ€ than my bra size. Letâ€™s face it: we have all had that moment when the lullaby bear dulls to a creepy, robot voice, or the baby wipe warmer turns cold faster than a Sharon Stone interview…and suddenly, we find ourselves panicking as if hell literally just froze over (and if hell is heated by batteries, it likely has).
What most people donâ€™t understand (the sane ones who donâ€™t call themselves â€œmomâ€, that is), is that no matter how crazy, messy and ridiculous our lifestyle might seem taking care of kids…. it takes years to perfect this kind of chaos. Even the smallest offset in the fragile balance of our lives (whether a cell phone fading or a laptop crashing), sends a tidal wave effect into the rest of our routine.
If youâ€™re wondering how the rest of my day played out sans batteries, it was pretty simple. Without my cell phone, I didnâ€™t realize that some of my close mommy friends were coming over an hour early for a play-date, nor did I hear my 4 year old messing around in my room upstairs over the baby monitor. I completely forgot that nearly six months ago I had attended a fun event with other moms, in which one of the giveaways was a pleasure basket (stocked with enough strange goodies to make Paris Hilton blush). And since I have as much â€œspiceâ€ to me as a stale Lean Cuisine, I forgot that it was hidden deep in the inner layers of my closet (conveniently coated in a fine layer of dust). All of this was forgotten until my daughter came marching down the stairs, proudly brandishing enough hidden treasures to make our unexpected guests feel like Johnny Depp in a pirate movie (and donâ€™t worry, the items were thrown away with as much speed as my mounting embarrassment).
Yes. A motherâ€™s life without batteries is like a natural disaster moving in slow motion. If one aspect of our teetering ecosystem is thrown off, catastrophic calamity (and a movie narrated by Al Gore) will undoubtedly follow.
So the next time you see me in the early morning hours- curled up with Diane, drinking copious quantities of caffeine and aiming at the nearest TV remote with a loaded shot gun….please donâ€™t be alarmed.
I’m just recharging my batteries.
Bailey Vincent Clark is the Editor-in-chief, author and founder of Makeover Momma. She hosts Makeover Momma TV on Tuesday (7 PM/EST & 4 PM/PT), and has a weekly column on Friday: “Getting Friendly With Makeover Momma.” If you would like to ask questions, submit concerns or simply chat: please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
What inspired this battery themed column? I am entering to win a Blog Her sponsorship contest from Barefoot Mommies and Energizer, and the frustration over batteries fading is never too far from home. Luckily, I have this EnergizerÂ® Recharge Smartâ„¢ Charger to drool over, because it lets you recharge your batteries whenever you need (so none of the chaos mentioned above, will ever happen again!)
* Speak Up: What is YOUR favorite way to recharge your batteries as a mom (physically and emotionally?)
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