5 Fashion Trends That I’m NOT Secretly Obsessed With (PS: I’m Lying)

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The Outfits: I am dressing like a pregnant woman lately. No, this is not because I secretly am (though goodness knows I’d prefer to be), or because I’ve eaten too much pad-thai over the weekend (even though, yes, I totally did). This is because I’ve had a recent surgery to get a PEG tube placed, which means my stomach now resembles a bionic war-zone, replete with leopard spots on my skin from too much gauze and tape, and a surplus of tubing. The upside is that I can say sentences like, “Will you help me lift the groceries? I have a hole in my stomach,” and not sound the least bit dramatic. (On second thought, maybe a little bit dramatic.) The downside is that every single morning feels like a 2 hour battle between my lumpy-looking midsection, my unforgiving wardrobe, and the inability to buy new outfits. After my youngest daughter told nearly every person at the pool, “Mommy can’t go swimming because she’s a machine!”- I am starting to embrace the Terminator aspect of existence… but not the hindrance towards fashion.

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Count this as my last shoddy-bathroom-mirror-photo ever, guys. I promise!

To make matters worst, my favorite budget stores are lined with comfy new options and summer trends begging to be worn. I mean, really, did it have to be the season of the crop top? Do ANY shirts exist right now that aim below my belly button? Instead of lamenting my torso tribulations, I decided to go full fantasy fest and post my inner likings right here and now. Hopefully this will purge my greedy, “first world problem” system, thus rendering me cured… but it will likely only make matters worse. Still, delve in to my psychosis, friends, and let’s review the top warm-weather trends I’m actually tolerating, despite my “damn the man” resistance towards any and all things involving the word trend. The contrarian force is strong within me, guys… but even if I’m making fun of these latest looks, don’t be fooled. I secretly want to wear all of them.



1. A Matchy-Matchy Ensemble What is it about the super-matchy outfit options on shelves these days? At first, it seemed parallel to my daughters’ Okie Doke ensembles. As if the world of prepubescent fashionistas has reversed itself so much in recent years, that we’ve gone infantile. Maybe my issue is that if I could wear a footed one-piece like a three-month-old (and never have to plan a full “look”,) I totally would. Guilty. Clothing that already matches and looks cute together, yet isn’t actually attached? Brilliant. It’s like I took scissors to the waistlines of all of my dresses for no reason at all- except the presumed irony- and called it something new.

2. Overalls: Ok, I’m going to be honest here: I have loved overalls for a long time. I have worn them when they’re weren’t trendy, and were feared nearly as much as the scrunchy or sock/sandal combo. Initially, I was downright ticked to see that overalls were coming back in stores, because… well, I’m a snob with a misbegotten rebel complex, yet a deep yearning for affirmation. Need for therapy aside, I also didn’t understand why “bibs” are now called “shortalls”, as if that somehow changes the branding. Listen young people: I wore bibs with flannel shirts before Eddie Veddar ever touched a ukulele. I unbuttoned my straps and let them hang low- preferably exposing my “I haven’t had two children” stomach- before I ever sang “to and fro” to a toddler. In fact, in my day, we were too cool to be bothered to button both straps at the same time (only saddled up on one side? Me too. Life is tough, and there is no time for homologous buckles).

3. Crop Tops: Pretend I didn’t just say that. Pretend I don’t stare at these completely impractical strips of fabric, and wish I could pair them with high-waisted shorts and foofy skater skirts. Better yet, pretend I didn’t just say “high-waisted” (best denoted for those with a normal hip-to-waist ratio… or who have recently undergone a bone shaving). Moreover, let’s ignore the word “skater skirt”, since the knowledge of such implies that I troll Wet Seal on a daily basis (I will neither refute, nor deny such allegations). I want to pay $18 for 8 inches of shoddily shaped cloth to barely cover my nethers… or uppers… or stretch marks between. Then again, maybe this is the one trend best left to another? The world can probably survive my decision to graciously opt out.

4. Soft Shorts: I dig anything that is soft or comfortable in general (maybe why I disrobe and change to sweats + T-shirt the millisecond I walk through the door?) This latest predilection for pajama-esque shorts is almost too good to resist. They seemingly resemble the elasticized shorts my mother used to hand-make me in the 90’s using patterns from Joann’s(Fabric, that is), minus the plethora-of-pumpkins pattern, or giant denim Blossom hat to match. If I could sew, I would probably try to make some of these myself (and maybe tie a bandanna around my boobs as a crop top while I’m at it?) But until then, any reason to avoid real clothing with real waistbands and end seams seems completely commendable to me.

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5. Bandeau Bras: Finally, we have a look I can get behind! Why? Because bandeau bras have become my absolute favorite item as of late. They don’t hurt my back like other tops (I hate bras), and I can tuck the end of my tube into them in case all of that tape fails. Even better, they make for perfect layering with over-sized workout tops and tanks when I want to conceal my stomach. Instead of pairing with other casual pieces, I’ve been throwing on a tight skirt or heeled booties to avoid full frumpery. See also….

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Join my fantasy fest on Pinterest?Post to my “Because Sweatpants Work Only 90% of the Time” board.

Let Me Know: Which trend do you love or hate?

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